He raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Do you?”
“I can’t be sure, but I have a fair idea. You’re concerned that I’m upset about last night and that I blame you. You’re worried that I’m going to quit or at least sulk. You’re also a little worried about my assumptions that we now have an emotional relationship. You want to know my expectations. Does that about sum it up?”
She’d said everything without her voice trembling or a single slipup. There was something to be said for practice.
He stared at her for a long time, then nodded slowly. “That about sums it up.”
“Good. Then let me address your concerns. First, I’m an adult. Last night I was a consenting adult. I wanted to make love with you. I’m not sorry we did it. Yes, I was a virgin and maybe I should have told you, but I didn’t. I still don’t have any regrets. Except for your reaction, there’s nothing I would have changed about what we did.”
He shifted. “It’s not that I didn’t enjoy it, it’s just…”
“You feel guilty,” she told him. “I understand that. If I were in your position, I would probably feel the same way. But it’s not necessary. I wanted to be there. You gave me many opportunities to back out or to ask you to stop. I didn’t. I take responsibility for that. I’m glad we made love.”
She paused to catch her breath. “I think that covers your first few concerns.”
“You’re being very logical.”
“It’s a gift.” She smiled. “Now, for the rest of your worries. I’m not expecting a proposal of marriage. I’m not even expecting a relationship. But I will admit things have changed.”
Ryan’s expression had cleared some, but now his eyebrows drew together again. “I don’t dispute that, but I would like you to clarify what you mean.”
“There have been a lot of changes in my life in the past couple of months. I’ve come to work for you, I’ve broken up with Joel, I’ve done the wild thing.” She cast a quick glance over her shoulder to check on Sasha. The little girl was happily eating her cereal.
“I’ve made some decisions about what I want,” she continued. “The only decision that affects you directly is that I can only work for you another month.”
She felt her throat closing. This was harder to tell him than she’d first thought. She wanted to promise to stay as long as he would have her around, but she couldn’t. She owed it to herself to be stronger than that. She deserved to love someone who loved her back. That person wasn’t Ryan. She could allow herself to stay for a short period of time and be with him, but then she would have to move on. She needed to get the broken-heart part over with so she could begin healing, then get going with her life.
“You’re leaving me?” He sounded stunned.
“I have to. A month gives you plenty of time to make other arrangements. If you’re going to stay in Bradley, I’ll help you find reliable day care. If you’re going back to San Jose, then you need to start contacting places there.”
She drew in a deep breath. Now for the really scary part. “I have no expectations for the time we have left. My preference is that we continue to be friends. I enjoy your company and I think you feel the same way about me.”
“Of course I do. You know that.”
“Good. As to our physical relationship—” She had to clear her throat before continuing. “I wouldn’t object to us being lovers for the next month. We would have to be discreet. I wouldn’t want to confuse Sasha or start any rumors in town.” She didn’t know what else to say. “It’s up to you.”
He looked a little stunned. “You’ve thought of everything.”
“I tried to.”
She forced herself to maintain her calm, but it was difficult. She wanted to throw herself at him and beg him to love her back. She wanted him to declare undying devotion, or at least a general fondness. She wanted him to beg her to stay forever, telling her that he couldn’t possibly live without her.
“What do you get out of all this?” he asked.
“Working for you or being in your bed?”
“Being my lover.”
She shivered. It was one thing for her to say the “L” word out loud, but quite another for it to come from him. “I want to be there,” she answered honestly.
He sucked in his breath. “You lay it all on the line, don’t you? I admire that about you, even though it terrifies me.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I know. That’s part of your appeal.” He took a step toward her and tucked her hair behind her ear. “Work for me as long as you would like. I won’t ask you to stay past your deadline, even though I want to. You’ve been more than kind in accommodating me and I don’t have the right to mess with your life more than I have. As for having you in my bed, it would be my honor and privilege. But I want you to think about it a little longer. I want you to be sure this is what you want. When you leave, I want all the memories of your time here to be good ones.”